"Now I know the things I know, and I do the things I do; and if you do not like me so, to hell, my love, with you!"
Dorothy Parker
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Monday, 11 October 2010


Common dialogues between house mates

Situation 1

House mate A : What's your say in this? I don't really know what to think..
House mate B : Hmm..I'll tell you what I think.........................(starts snoring)

Situation 2

House mate A : Do you like what I made today?
House mate B : It's alright.
House mate A : How would you rate it between 1 – 10? (tak puas hati ni)
House mate B : I don't rate. (continues munching)

Situation 3

House mate B : So what are you making tomorrow? (while having dinner talking between mouthfuls)
House mate A : *rolls eyes* Just finish your dinner.

Situation 4

House mate A : What would you do if I died first?
House mate B : I'd bury you, obviously..what else?
House mate A : terbodoh.

Nope, not complaining. I have the best house mate in the entire world. All in the sole name of good jest :) Anyway, I am quite elated today. Expecting some surprises through the post and I cannot wait! Nunu has been tugging my heart quite a bit these days. My eyes tend to get watery every now and then. It has been less than a month since he started school and the progress he has made is.. absolutely prodigious. Mashallah. I applaud the school for instilling such values in him. He now memorises a few duas, daily islamic terms and even al-fatihah. There was an instance when he actually said to me ; Mummy, don't forget to say Inshallah! Lol. I wish I could have all these moments recorded. Sigh. Anyway, now comes the end of my never ending jumbled up entry. I wish everyone a good week ahead and take care :) xx

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Tangibilities and other things

Dear Topsie-turvie,

There is a solid reason why I gifted you with that name. The events in my life, be it fortunate or not are disarrayed and always in a topsy turvily manner hence the name. Conjuring the days when I brought you into this world, things were so.. different. I haven't the right words to vividly portray how different things were then but it is. Not in a shady light of negativity, I simply must grow accustom to these changes in my life.

You know Topsie-turvie, sometimes without knowing, my feelings are numbed and I trudge on the ground not feeling anything. When that happens, I would try my hardest to relinquish the numbness and find a way to feel again. I haven't the slightest idea why this is happening. Every time I get passionate about something, I would always do a mental draft and stash it in the recesses of my mind, promising myself to write about it. But after a while, it gets muddled up with my other peculiar thoughts thus making it in the end sort of... intangible. I get really gutted you see, cos I remembered how the excitement felt and the feeling still lingers within but sadly, I lost the vigour to word it down.

Which explains the brazen void from August till well..now. Someone told me I should carry a little notebook and jot things down when I chance upon something that sparks my interest. Certainly not a bad idea and maybe I should give it a try. It is quite worrying especially now that I've started my course. I am expected to construe poetry, paintings, literary text etc. freely and with my current problem, it would be a great hindrance in the future. I need to be passionate of my surroundings again and be more of a thinker rather than an empty bulldozer that tramples on the earth without an inkling of things.

Not only that, I have enclosed myself in this self created shell that is holding me back from the things I would actually enjoy doing. Today I got an email stating that there would be an event hosted by the university on how to interpret art pieces held in the museum. My first reaction towards this email was so negative. I was already cringing at the thought of socialising and having to make an impressive impression of myself to everyone. And all the hoity toity beings I would have to suck up to. Then I looked at the time of the event, and a spontaneous sigh of relief slipped trough my lips. I wouldn't be able to make it due to the unavoidable school runs! I thought to myself, what a great excuse!

Then again, who am I deceiving hey? This negative behaviour of mine is flustering to say the least. How did I become such a recluse? I cannot think of an occasion where I was actually glad being in a roomful of people and socialising away! Sigh. I just can't fathom this wariness I have towards people. I even find thinking about it exhausting already. I wish there was a pill to treat such a detrimental disease for people like me. Anyway, I think it's time to catch up on some very much needed sleep. My brain is over processing at the moment and I cannot afford to be brain dead tomorrow. I still have an essay to write about Paul Cezanne's The House of the Hanged Man and all I could say about the painting now is – My three year old son can paint better than that.

Have a great week everyone! xx

Monday, 4 October 2010

Teddy turns 31

My permanent housemate Teddy, of five phenomenal-euphoric-crazy years has turned thirty one! This year's birthday celebration was nothing like the previous year. This year was such a monumental birthday, for Teddy had the absolute joy of scrubbing the toilet bowl, bleaching the bath tub and doing the laundry. It was indeed a joyous moment for Teddy when he saw the gleaming bathroom and the clothes washed and dried. Contentment filled up his soft teddy-like heart and he was such in a convivial mood!

Moments after the laborious hard work, Teddy heard a funny sound that sounded like a rumble. He wondered where that sound came from not knowing that it was coming from his own tummy. Poor Teddy, he was really quite famished! Being the nice, thoughtful and loving housemate that I am, I treated Teddy to Pizza Hut. Teddy ate to his heart's content and rubbed his full tummy contently. His chin was covered with breadcrumbs and he had the most blissful expression plastered on his chubby face. He muttered words of appreciation for the treat and grinned happily.

The next day, it occurred to me that I did not even get Teddy a birthday cake! It gave me such a rueful feeling inside. Though Teddy never complained, but I thought of doing something nice for him once in a while. I was meaning to bake a cake for him but never had the chance to. Right after circuit training, I went to the cake shop and got Teddy a slice of strawberry cheesecake -  a favourite of his.When I got home, he was quite surprised when he saw it. About five seconds later, he gave me a tiny shy smile. Teddy has always been little with words but deep inside, I knew his teddy-like heart was blooming - still is I think. He's been washing up the dishes and very much in a lively mood!

I'm glad I've made Teddy's day. It might not be an elaborate birthday for Teddy, but I think it is sufficient  for him to know that he is still very much cherished after all these years. We enjoyed the little private moments together and most importantly, I am glad Teddy is still my 'housemate' and I pray that he will always be till the day death do us apart. Quite impossible to live with but I truly, most definitely cannot live without :)

Teddy and Troll :)

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

I can't do anything that's everything all on my own

I am in my room with my thoughts as my sole companion and I cannot describe how incandescently gratified I am at the moment. It’s been an absolute tumultuous week and my feet have been threatening to stop functioning. Looking after the poorly is very energy consuming. My working hour’s starts very early in the morning, as early as 2am and continues throughout the whole day till night, round the clock. I don’t really mind the long hours but what I do mind is whining patients or what I really meant was.. whining 7 year olds. This particular 7 year old happens to whine about everything. From medicine, eating, drinking even the act of soaking his feet in Epson salt starts up with a whine and ends in a bloody whimper. And this just drives me bloody batty. Even a bloody sick 3 year old is not giving me this much grieve. See how many ‘bloody’ there is already? I am starting to get really, really miff. There goes my ‘incandescently gratified moment’ out the window. Grrr.

What I need is a trip to a pastoral countryside, inhaling clean crisp air and gentle breeze caressing my face. I just find great discomfort in being tailed after everywhere I go. And I do not respond very well to clingy and attention craving being. I feel like I’m being smothered all over and surprisingly not by my own son who happens to be under the weather too. Staying calm and collected is starting to get really arduous. But since I value my sanity more than anything else, I am doing my best to keep things under control. I entreated all the positive energy out there to enfold my mind and keep it encased until this hurdle is over. I can’t believe a 7 year old is causing all this lamentation. I never thought I could get more frivolous than this. Damn.

However, today is the first day of Ramadhan and I only have pleasant thoughts for today. It will be a better day, hopefully. I intend to get as much rest and rejuvenate my aching body. Dying to go for a deep intense massage but I should know very well that it won’t be possible at the moment. Apart from this, I do feel that things have been made easy for me. I was actually quite distraught thinking about nunu’s circumcision but thank god he was already his usual self the very next day. And he hasn’t been a bother at all. I kept him clean as best as I could as I shuddered at the possibility of an infection. Alhamdulillah, he is back on track and already dragooning the household. Every day I look forward to his endless levity. He has just got a tendency of blurting out a wisecrack unknowingly. Lol.

Right, I’ve a strong urge to apologize for this entry is again, a messy one. My entries are mirrors to my thoughts, you see. And lately, my thoughts are cut and paste excerpts of many things. A gamut of things from A to Z but an exegesis is not quite necessary. It’ll be a traumatic experience for you if you knew what goes on in my bloody thick skull. I think today’s ramblings should end here. I am starting to sound completely doltish and my heavy lids are in need of some rest. Take care, everyone and have a pleasant week ahead! xxx

my brave little soldier :)

Thursday, 5 August 2010

Lost in the middle of nowhere

Bonjour everyone! Blog was temporarily abandoned due to a riotous schedule that was threatening to go on a bloody rampage unless I sorted everything out first. And now here I am, supposedly settled with thoughts brimming with many things to write, only that is not the case. My brain has refused to come up with a theory to explain this void in my brain and I find it utterly irksome. Therefore, this entry will not be on anything specific, rather it will be random ramblings of things that I managed to salvage from my malfunctioning and almost dying brain.

It’s been a good week so far. Good news should never shy away from me, I think. Nunu has been his robust self and very much enjoying himself here. I can’t say the same for his papa though, although he has ended his kitchen illiteracy upon my absence. He managed to stir up a prawn dish on the stove without turning the house into ashes which flabbergasted the life out of me. Note to self; should come back more often myself then. Don’t get me wrong, I love going on a vacation as a family but I prefer coming home myself with nunu. It’s the only time I get to spend super quality time with my folks and also the only time I get to savour the feeling of being their not so little girl. And I am immensely fortunate to have someone as my other half who understands my needs very well.

I grew up thinking long distance relationships are to no avail but now, I beg to differ. I find it rather sweet how he makes it a point to catch me on skype every day. Once I found out from my uncle that he declined my uncle’s offer to have dinner so that he could rush home to talk to me. One thing you should know about my other half is, he never says no to food. Ever. Although he is atrocious with words i.e. he doesn’t smoulder me with satiny words and it might appear as though his emotions has dried out (hati kering) but I have learned to overlook that and converge my attention towards his actions. Like the old proverb that goes – action speaks louder than words. Pardon me, I am feeling quite histrionic tonight. I blame it on my looming 5th year wedding anniversary this Saturday. Time didn’t fly. It rocketed off actually, and left me in a vertiginous state.

Speaking of time, it has propelled me forward inconspicuously. I keep entering and exiting different phases of life in a fleet of a moment. I haven’t a problem with that only I find it impossible to cherish each moment without feeling slightly frazzled. But I am not complaining. I’ve been insouciant for far too long and I think it’s about time to press on the clutch paddle and motion into gear 5. Leisure and I had a momentous relationship but soon the time will come for us to depart. Thinking of it now is my causing my once placid heart to agitate. Excuse the mawkishness, I am merely exercising my writing skills and I implore on you to stop rolling your eyes already. Anyway, tomorrow will yet be another monumental day for me. My favourite little person will be circumcised and I can’t help but to feel slightly solicitous about it. I hope things will go smoothly for him, god willingly.

Fasting month will be knocking on the door soon and I cannot imagine for the life of me how hectic and turbulent it shall be. My two grandmas will be joining us for ramadhan and I shall be the person in charge when my parents fly off to Saudi for umrah. I am veraciously excited to have them both here with me and I know it will be a memorable time for all of us, god willingly. Finally, time has arrived for me to end this disarrayed entry. Ramadhan Mubarak to all muslims out there and take care, everyone! xxx

we can't wait to see you, baby!

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Of Love, Sacrifice & Responsibility

When i was younger I was a lot less wise, or a tenderfoot i would like to call it. Allow me to be easy on myself as this is quite a blow to my elephant size ego. I pictured life differently than where I am today and somehow or rather actually believed that the world gyrated around me. Yes, I was a puerile and I do admit it. I didn’t fathom exactly what sacrifice meant and expected people conforming to my ways and that was it. There was always a way to get what I wanted and sadly that was all I ever cared about. Then I got hitched and I was still that spoilt girl who thought about nothing else but herself. Every time I glance into the past I am constantly astounded at my other half’s patience and the degree of tolerance he had and has up till now.
After two years of marriage I was then gifted with the best thing I have ever had. One thing I was unaware of was that it came with great responsibility. I knew that motherhood wasn’t easy peasy lemon squeezy but I didn’t understand the gravity of it. First seven days passed then I knew the true rendition of sacrifice, responsibility and primarily what love really meant. All I saw before my eyes was this tiny helpless bundle that completely relied on me to survive. I never had any bigger responsibility to carry on my shoulder and I was high in an emotional stupor. Despite the raging hormones, sleepless nights and the contemptible body soreness I still managed to mother him to the best of my ability.
But of course what little knowledge I had about sacrifice and whatnots wasn’t truly sufficient. I had to learn more along the way. There was a tug of war between my personal dreams and my flagrant responsibility. I was very adamant to give only the best to him i.e. breastfeeding for two years at least and at the same time I was dying to continue my studies. It felt as though my brain was corroding and thinking was becoming quite a strenuous task. I became a simpleton and the only mind stimulating thought I had was how many diapers are left for the week. There was a disarray of emotions within myself although deep down I knew that I was incapable of putting anything else before him. He was simply my ultimate priority in life.
For three years I buried my desire and appeased myself that there will be time for absolutely everything and I will chance upon the opportunity once more. And lo be hold, here I am three years older and a little wiser (citation needs not confirmation) still passionate and more than eager to pick up what I had momentarily left. I received my university application a few days back and melancholy seems to wash over me every time I look at it. I haven’t had the courage to fill it up just yet and yes it is just me being nonsensical. A little peek will do for now and I intend to complete the application with my other half who has supported me in ways that even he is unaware of. It’s really a defining moment for myself and what better person to share it with than my one and only, mr munchie.
Till this day, there isn’t a trace of regret in my heart as to my decision to settle down and start a family at quite a young age. Despite the puerile being that I was, I am indeed glad that I went against the norm and dropped a few jaws. It was definitely the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. Life without these two imps would be nothingness, hollowed out and simply nugatory. I could not ask for more except for a few hobos and maybe a kajal eyeliner since mine has disappeared into the middle of nowhere. I truly thank god for this luxury. It might not be in a form of big bank balances or shiny cabriolets but I have attained happiness, something that is a rarity these days.

my little family ; diminutive in size but deafening in manner. :)))

Friday, 9 July 2010

Induction Day

This month has been such a momentous month for me. The plots in my life episodes are changing quite rapidly. What bothers me is how i am being quite lackadaisical towards these poignant moments outwardly, not expressing the feelings i ought to. But the truth is, deep inside i am on a constant emotional ride. A few days back my boys and I attended nunu’s induction day and all the while there was this huge lump in my throat. My tear reservoir was full threatening to overflow. It was just the thought of my favourite little person going to school in his cute little uniform, with his cute little bag made it an overwhelming experience for me.  
We had a little tour of the school and sat down to discuss about the school’s policy and whatnots. I was presented with 3 sheets filled with detailed questions all regarding nunu ranging from his favourite books, favourite colour, habits, favourite toy, favourite thing to talk about (I instantly said food!) hobbies to his ability to dress himself. It was extremely detailed, imagine almost 30 questions altogether! I was so taken aback and in the same time very pleased at how particular the school is with every child. I was even told that each child will be assigned to a particular person that will attend to the child’s needs and necessities.
It was a lot to take in for the first few minutes but I survived the induction. Nunu was of course absolutely thrilled and fell in love with his classroom instantaneously. The classroom was beautifully decorated with bright sunny colours that could cheer me up any day. There was a painting corner at one side, a reading corner on the other and cute little chairs and desks for the children. I could just picture nunu in the classroom, engross in a drawing or a book with his eyebrows furrowing deep in concentration. I wish I could have these little moments recorded so I won’t miss a single thing. Now here is me, being absurd and contemplating on something that is beyond the bounds of possibility again.
There was a lot of adversity from people when they found out that I intended to send nunu to a private Islamic school at first. Some said the teachers there are not qualified, they will be academically behind compared to the children in state school and many more negative feedback. But the moment I walked into the building, I was gripped by the sight of these little people in the middle of performing their zuhur prayers praying behind an imam that was no more than 3 feet tall and he was reciting the surahs beautifully. That was the underlying moment for me when I knew in my heart that I have made the right choice.  I believe that a strong foundation is the ultimate key. I want good values to be instilled in nunu and preserve him as much as I am able, god willingly.
my little man :)