Tangibilities and other things

Dear Topsie-turvie,

There is a solid reason why I gifted you with that name. The events in my life, be it fortunate or not are disarrayed and always in a topsy turvily manner hence the name. Conjuring the days when I brought you into this world, things were so.. different. I haven't the right words to vividly portray how different things were then but it is. Not in a shady light of negativity, I simply must grow accustom to these changes in my life.

You know Topsie-turvie, sometimes without knowing, my feelings are numbed and I trudge on the ground not feeling anything. When that happens, I would try my hardest to relinquish the numbness and find a way to feel again. I haven't the slightest idea why this is happening. Every time I get passionate about something, I would always do a mental draft and stash it in the recesses of my mind, promising myself to write about it. But after a while, it gets muddled up with my other peculiar thoughts thus making it in the end sort of... intangible. I get really gutted you see, cos I remembered how the excitement felt and the feeling still lingers within but sadly, I lost the vigour to word it down.

Which explains the brazen void from August till well..now. Someone told me I should carry a little notebook and jot things down when I chance upon something that sparks my interest. Certainly not a bad idea and maybe I should give it a try. It is quite worrying especially now that I've started my course. I am expected to construe poetry, paintings, literary text etc. freely and with my current problem, it would be a great hindrance in the future. I need to be passionate of my surroundings again and be more of a thinker rather than an empty bulldozer that tramples on the earth without an inkling of things.

Not only that, I have enclosed myself in this self created shell that is holding me back from the things I would actually enjoy doing. Today I got an email stating that there would be an event hosted by the university on how to interpret art pieces held in the museum. My first reaction towards this email was so negative. I was already cringing at the thought of socialising and having to make an impressive impression of myself to everyone. And all the hoity toity beings I would have to suck up to. Then I looked at the time of the event, and a spontaneous sigh of relief slipped trough my lips. I wouldn't be able to make it due to the unavoidable school runs! I thought to myself, what a great excuse!

Then again, who am I deceiving hey? This negative behaviour of mine is flustering to say the least. How did I become such a recluse? I cannot think of an occasion where I was actually glad being in a roomful of people and socialising away! Sigh. I just can't fathom this wariness I have towards people. I even find thinking about it exhausting already. I wish there was a pill to treat such a detrimental disease for people like me. Anyway, I think it's time to catch up on some very much needed sleep. My brain is over processing at the moment and I cannot afford to be brain dead tomorrow. I still have an essay to write about Paul Cezanne's The House of the Hanged Man and all I could say about the painting now is – My three year old son can paint better than that.

Have a great week everyone! xx